T with the D &A

My goal was to create a post all about my favorite books and binges for spooky season. This is very clearly not the case. Instead I hit a low, one of those low lows that you have to fight and claw out of. This means that I didn't actually do anything and thats okay. Because its okay not to be okay.

This post is kind of a big deal for me. Ive never openly discussed my depression and anxiety because I was raised in a household where those things didn't exist. My mom would always say to us "you feel the way you let yourself feel." and I struggled with that statement a long time; in all honesty I probably still do.Everyday I force myself out of bed and plaster on a fake smile hoping that no-one will notice. some days the smile is far too fake and I'm not fooling anyone around me, but failure isn't an option in my head. Feeling how I need to feel is not an option because how could I possibly impose my hurt and pain on anyone else. So everyday that smile is plastered on and I plow through the day hoping I haven't disappointed anyone and finding that one way or another I have. I wonder often if anyone else feels the way that I do, if I could just peak into anyone else mind and find out that I'm not alone. Because we all feel so alone and thats the biggest struggle I have with my girl D, she leaves me feeling unsupported and like I've failed. So is anyone out there?

Ive been tossing ideas around in my head and how do we come to the point where we're ready to changes. I know I'm depressed and I know I get anxious but I've been told for so long that we just need to deal with this things internally that I'm scared to reach out. I will some day soon but that F word is looming in my rearview, its taunting me.... Failure.

Kisses, we'll talk soon T